Random rant...Christmas Eve

Tis colder than a witches’ tit here in Seattle…yeah, I’m not sure what that really means either. Are witches prone to being chilly because one assumes they’re godless heathens? Is it because their houses are made from candy of which I’m pretty sure, that shit doesn’t provide proper insulation. Or perhaps it’s because they like to frolic about naked and have lots and lots of sex and drink themselves silly…or so I’ve read in the history book, but I’m sure things get lost in translation…

Where was I? Oh yes, its fucking cold here and we’ve been getting pounded with snow in the city. Lucky me, my wagon is stuck under a healthy amount of snow and I have been banished to the busing system, yet again. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m dying to drive with the rest of the witless wonders of this city, but a 3 hour commute to work is a bit much. A little bit of snow and this city shuts up quicker than a virginal teenage book nerd clamping her knees together at a high school party. Prude.

(wagon is under there somewhere)

With long travels, comes my little retreat into my tiny haven of music being pumped through itsy speakers to my awaiting core …Lately, my iPod has been favoring Devothcka and its been getting me amped for the up coming NYE show. This morning thank god for the loud tuba, horns, violins and strong Latin guitar, because it mostly drowned out that of a demonic little bastard being, literally, dragged by his mother onto the bus. This little shit refused to walk and was screaming at the top of his lungs like he was being beat with barbed razor wire. She tried to sit him down and he refused to sit, of course, and thus pulled a perfect summersault over the side of the seat, worthy of Special Olympics gold medal, and landed squarely on his head. I laughed. Hard. She eventually took him to the back of the bus where he continued to wail, but I was sweetly involved with Devotckha and mentally figuring out how I’m going to dress up like a saucy wench for my big night out with friends. Woot.

Perfectly pointless entry, but I mostly wanted to remark on the spawn doing a flip onto his head. I’m still laughing; yes, I’m evil.

So snow season is upon here in the chilly Northwest, and with winter’s frigid fingers tap tap tapping on our back door, comes the onslaught of Action Snow Films. One that has had much hype is Travis Rice’s epic “That’s it, That’s All”. With an over $2mill price tag, the info that they used the uber pricey steady cameras that were used for Lord of the Rings and the teasers that were released months before the movie dates were set…it stood to reason that this film would be the Ace of all Aces.

I’ve been known to slack…a lot, and my procrastination on getting tickets for this film, bit me in the ass. The day of, I was left with nothing but shops informing me that it had been sold out, and that I was a jack ass for waiting so long. Fuck all. Thankfully a buddy of mine is a buyer for a local store and pulled a miracle; cause as I told him, his popularity would get tickets into the event before my tits would; and I was right. He got the last two LibTech reps’ tickets. And it only cost me a coffee, a vodka redbull and standing in a very crowded theater.

Here’s my simple take on the movie:
Chills. It could’ve been Serengeti hot up in that bitch; with me sweating gallons of my precious fluids and I still would’ve gotten chills from this movie.

When asked by the LibTech Rep(sponsor) of what I thought of the film I answered with a tally of times I said the following:
OH MY GAWD=14
FUCK=33
Oh wow=9
Utterly AMAZING=3

I think hair actually rose on my neck when I saw Jeremy Jones drop down, what seemed to be a completely vertical, mountain peak in Valdez Alaska. He was booking, one fuck up and he would be toast. Utterly amazing (that makes 4)

Of all the snow movies I’ve seen, this one by far is the most epic. I don’t think anyone else is going to touch it unless they’ve got one killer budget. Even then, can you top Rice’s flawless stunts or Jones’ high speed vertical runs?

I think its pointless for me to try and attempt the names of the stunts they were pulling, 1090 this, triple axle with a groin twist that…just know that it was a lot of sick shit being pulled off; it was matched with a pretty spectacular soundtrack and the visuals were phenomenal. Buy the movie, just do it, it’s great and sure to amp you for the upcoming season for attempting to emulate the pros and prolly breaking yourself in the process.

http://www.thatsit-thatsall.com/

While I'm at it...why don't I go ahead and hug a tree

(Panoramic...I'm somewhere down there in the middle)

My last Sunday was spent volunteering for Surfrider’s Snowrider Project, Alpental Clean Up event. It was a bit later in the year this time around; due to the epic amount of snow we got this season and the fact that there is still a fair amount up there now…

Armed with my trusty side kick, Anna and several gloves, we attacked the upper lots and the areas opposite of the road. In 3 hours time we managed to fill 7 industrial sized garbage bags full of crap. Even with those numbers though, I’d have to say, it wasn’t as bad as I had imagined. I figured lot 4 alone would’ve been hell; seeing as how I’ve had my fair share of beers and picnics there.

(the first of MANY to follow)

After said 3 hours, we broke for lunch, which the foundation was nice enough to supply us: burgers, potato salad and baked beans…mmmmmm the magical fruit that just loves to make me toot. While we sat around gabbing, the subject of what was found started to arise. I myself found the following: the standard beer discardings, cigar butts, approx 50 tea lights, oyster shells, a carpet kit from a vehicle, some human poo, 5 tennis balls, about 7 socks and some man panties-or ‘manties’ (which I tried investigate the reason for tossing and take a picture of possible monster skid marks-Anna said stop-Boo Anna-BOO). Other items found that day: 2 bras, an unopened bottle of champagne, a snowboard boot, boxing glove, and a king’s ransom in Girl’s Gone Wild Mardi Gra beads. In all, it is a great cause worthy event that Surfrider puts on, it’s a shame more don’t participate with as ‘Green’ as this state is. You could literally be up there ALL day cleaning shit up.

I know I don’t look like your typical ‘love Mother Earth, man!’ type of person, but I was birthed by pseudo hippie/rock parents of the 70’s, that regularly took us camping during the summers. Digging holes to do your business, hanging your food from trees and ‘being one with nature’, were par for the course. Of course I leave out the part where we brought along ATV’s; cause we’re not completely uncivilized patchouli wearing freaks. Nevertheless, I boarded a lot this season, put in my time on the slopes and I do feel that trash gets overlooked. It felt good to do something positive (as I regularly comment evil acts of debauchery).

On this random act of earth kindness, I didn’t bring my iPod. Instead, I listened to the music of nature; with the surrounding birds, waterfalls and creeks; awwwww. I think I even saw Bigfoot, waving and shedding a tear as I pick up his backyard; or it could’ve been a REALLY hairy nudist hiker.

scribble on a post it

(found this, from this season)

A rendering from the friend I was giving a lesson to...

I'm the one in the goofy beanie and no pants...pretty true to life likeness, I must say

Alpental 5/17

So this past weekend in Seattle found us with a rarity…Sunshine and warm weather. You’d think I’d be at the beach, trying, to get some sort of color on these translucent legs. Nope. Instead I went to…wait for it…Alpental.

There’s something unnatural about heading out the door in shorts, flops and a tee, while holding your gear en route to the mountain for some slushy snow. It was too damn warm up there, I believe close to 80 and I ended up riding in a t-shirt; I wish it was a tank or a bikini top(which would never work with these love muffins). In all honesty, it reminded me of the early spring in So Cal, except there are actually tanned pretty people down there riding half naked.

This trip however, for the first time, I took chair 2 and rode in the back country; which I wouldn’t have done a year ago. The group I was riding with were well seasoned riders and insisted on popping my cherry with some hiking, jumping and the first gouge in my board from a tree. I didn’t do the jumping, but I did take the pictures (to come later). Still, it was slushy, sunny, and beautiful, the beers were flowing in lot 4 and even with liberal amounts of sun block, I still got burned by the sun and some scrapes from falling in the snow in a tee.

I am seriously done-DONE until next season-AND I DON’T CARE IF YOU DO OPEN AGAIN THIS WEEKEND! So fuck you Alpental, with your half naked fat, hairy and white skiers, underage girls in bikinis, women over 40 in bikinis, nasty bouncy saggers in tank tops, silly outfits, hiking and me twisting my knee. You won't see me again for awhile! (or at least until winter)

(not as big a fall as another I've seen...)

Wasted and Complacent and you're about the same...

it's almost 3am, and these last two days have been fucking BRUTAL...

(I actually do clean up)
after enjoying a fabulous internet party Wednesday night with too many cocktails and not enough sleep...I woke up at the ass crack of dawn of 5:30am to drag my ass down to Mt Hood. Actually, more like my friend dragged me, as he is visiting from L.A. and had a hankering to board. Seriously?! It's May bitches...and it's not like I live in a fruity fucking climate that warrents snow year round, I'M IN SEATTLE!!! I looked for ways out, really I did...but fuck all if my whinny little bitching did nothing for me... but in the end relented and I'm glad.

(So high up, we were above the cloud line)

(Mt Hood) (Camera phone...steeeeriiiiike!!!)

I keep thinking I'm done with the snow, and some reason comes along for me to, yet again, get another day in(I'm pretty sure this IS the LAST time for this season). I'm ready to hang out on a deck, drink some beers and blind the surrounding locals with my white legs.

After a hefty 3.5hr drive, we arrived to blue bird skies, soft slushy snow and yes, we rode until our legs couldn't hold us anymore. The mountain was pretty dead, which was nice, but the best part was Magical Mile was open; that shit never seems to be open when I'm there. Granted, that mutha was icy first thing, but it embraced the sun and softened as the hours sailed on. I'm hoping that one of these days, when I'm up on Hood, that that run, will be open when there's actually some fresh pow. I still carved the fuck out of it though...

In preparation for the impending night, I started off with Minus the Bear, which is, of course, my all time favorite band to snowboard to.

Then I switched it up a bit with a little LCD Soundsystem, which I rocked out to on the chairlift and actually boogie woogied too while riding down the slopes(imagine a drunk white dude, hopped up on pop rocks and 80's music).

Towards the end of the day, I was getting pretty fucking whipped, so I decided to go balls out with the rest of my energy and played some Static-X.

Bad idea, that shit made me a little careless, thus resulting in a couple of wipe outs and an idea to haul ass down the mountain...straight.

Really though, I'm done, bring on the summer and let me get outdoors to some hiking, camping and beers.

Mt Baker floats

Inhaling snow flakes as I breathe deep…exhale a puff of steam
Drop into powder…
(hey…lets cross the sea, and get some culture)
Float…
(red wine with every meal, and absinthe after dinner)
Carve to the right
(we look good, side by side)
Float…
(walking back to the hotel)
Carve to the left
(we got something to eat and to drink…)
Float…
(2 star hotel…hotel)

Mt Baker and the Heavens that be...

(will fix photos later)

Let me start by saying my love affair with snowboarding started at age 22 in 00’ in Southern California…when I was forced down a blue run my first time down EVER and I cried as my board was compelled to send me slowly towards a cliff. Scratch that, my love affair started a bit after that, through all the insane bruises, falls, shitty blocks of ice, rocks, mud and one fucking royal bitch of a take out by some doucebag of a kid hauling ass into me; for some reason I’m a masochist and kept going in hopes of the ultimate glory of linking turns, catching air and feeling the ‘float’ on some powder.

Let me continue by saying, my love affair was rekindled with NW snow, in 06-March, when I took a boarding trip up to Baker. Flew into typical Seattle weather-wet and cold-and woke up at the wee crack of dawn to drive our happy asses some 2.5-3 hours northeast. We were greeted with blue bird conditions and approximately 20” of fresh powder; powder of which I instantly sank and exerted most of my energy getting out of. The landscape of this mountain was awe inspiring and needless to say I was refreshed with a new love and new hope that I will be soaring down the slopes at wild banshee speeds.

Fast forward two years later…there’s freakish weather hitting Seattle in spring-APRIL to be exact- a mere 60 some days away from summer. I thought I was done with the season, until I checked out
http://nwbroweather.com/
And discovered an impending cold front. I immediately start hitting up friends for a last minute trip to the local mountains, only one comes through.
Me: Snoqualmie on Saturday?
Friend: sweet
Me: hmmmm how bout driving up to Baker Sat morning instead? 6? You can sleep, I’ll drive
Friend: how bout 7am?
Me: how bout B-Ham Friday night, wake up and go
Friend: why not a little further to Whistler?
Me: um….
(I consult the gods that be-my wallet)
Fuck it, lets do this shit!

Needless to say, we never make it to Whistler because they only had 2” of fresh and Baker had 10”. Baker won the match, and we arrived shortly after opening to pow turns, me making love to the snow at warp speeds, somewhat small crowds and hikers making the long trek up the ridge into the back country for the big payoff of a huge drop into heaven.

The soundtrack of my sexy Baker romp:
Minus the Bear
Led Zeppelin
LCD Soundsystem
Karate
Built to Spill

Seattle in April?

Ballard...April 18th

You couldn't get me to the mountain fast enough