Showing posts with label Boobs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Boobs. Show all posts

Thursday, August 28, 2008

the year 1989. Me, in a training bra


I’m bored…yep, at work; surprise. I was sitting here, day dreaming underneath a late summer stormy/cold sky, about fluffy snow and the realization that time if flying way too fast, as it’s already September. Then GNR came on my iPod and I started wondering when Axl is going to release Chinese Noodles or Laundry or Republic or whatever his mythical beast he keeps trying to feed to us over the past 50years as actuality but we all KNOW it’s a figment of his holey doped out ex rocker brain! Which in turn, got me to thinking about my first concert; the connection? It was Guns N Roses. The year: 1989 LA Coliseum, opening act Living Color; headliner, on again off again geriatric retirees, The Rolling Stones; and GNR smack dab in the middle. Not bad for a band that was on their sophomoric album follow up to mega Appetite release, Lies. 89, that’s my 6th grade year, if you’re curious. Nobody ever said my stoner 70’s rock/earthy parents were the Cleavers or made the best upbringing decisions. At least it wasn’t Debbie Gibson.

I give props to Living Color for being a talented rarity, an African American metal/rock band (see how PC I am?) in a land of big hair butt rock; like: Warrant, Brtny Fox and Poison, to name a few. But I’m not whole heartedly knocking the expensive European extensions wearing Rock of Love failure front man Brett Michaels band; cause my bff does have their greatest hits album and yes after many MANY years of a blissful Poison free existence, we still remember all the words. Probably not the best thing to admit

*Side Note* I had actually wanted to go to Boingo's farewell tour that year but wasn’t allowed to because my evil 6year older brother claimed that a sea of bewbies would be flashed; exposing my gentile eyes to unspeakable acts of ungodliness; yet I got to see Axl parading around in assless chaps and using fuck liberally. Good call pops, GNR was a MUCH more wholesome choice for my first concert experience. Is it any wonder why I walk around covered in tattoos and ghost holes from piercings?

They were rad, and thanks to singing along with “It’s So Easy”, I said ‘fuck’ for the first time in a lifelong onslaught, in front of my dad. From what my 11 year old brain remembers, they rocked it; but then again they were probably slurring in a heavily drugged/drunk induced haze, one cord away from projectile vomiting “OMFG Axl’s creamed corn is on my bra!!” on the groupies showing their titties in the front row (see bro, titties after all).

I don’t remember much of the stones themselves, but what I do remember is a majority of the crowd was there to see them. And while everyone was standing rocking out, my cousin Joel and I were passed out in our chairs. I do however remember standing up once or twice on my seat to catch a drift of what was going on; and being BLASTED by the sound of their music. Seriously, as I sat down, the surrounding people actually blocked the music enough that it sounded like I was listening to the stones from outside the venue. But if you’ve seen footage, I can sum it up like this: Jagger walks around, does some old mannish hip shaking dance/Idol-esque arm air punch; leans up against Richards and they both sing into the mic, while the other members look someone bored and dying for their ensure.

I may mock, but don’t worry, it hasn’t escaped me that one day, I too will be an ensure and vodka drinking granny with tattoos picking up on the youngest piece of meat that’ll give me the time of day; possibly with fake boobs at that point.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Amateur burlesque? Why not-there's nothing else on


(trust me, it didn't look like this)

I love me some burlesque…

The roommate and I traveled to a local bar for an open tease night of amateur burlesque. I was excited, briefly, but that died…also, briefly. Being that this was on a weeknight and as everyone knows, I’m an old lady who enjoys her sleep; thus said, I’m usually pretty sleepy by 10pm. Why am I telling you this? Um…uh, because some of these girls were so fucking boring they were driving me to pass out in a puddle of drool before 10pm and my drinks, strong as they may be, were NOT saving the day.

We needed more action, more heat, more shimmy, more…more fucking pasted titties damn it. Stop making me yawn with your stiff movements and poor tease skills ladies!! Although, much props must go out, lets face it, you didn’t see my tattooed ass up on that stage…at least not yet

All was looking bleak, until a man; yes a man and a large one at that did tease to Minnie the Moocher, dressed in a suit. In the end, he had balls, but it would’ve been better if he wore pasties, because frankly, he had some good sized melons. So it’s now approaching 11pm and we’re walking towards the door, when we see a rather healthy gal take the stage to Bjork’s “it’s so quiet”. We had pretty much lost all hope of any good entertainment by this point, until this robust young lady started shimming her big ass with gusto. Yes, as I mentioned, large or more politically correct: “Plus Sized”; wrapped in what I can assume, about 3-4 solid yards of fringe…She stopped us in our tracks; she had more heart, energy and character than rest of the acts we’d seen thus far. And yes, she teased and showed us her butterfly pasties and my lord, they were FUCKING HUGE! The pasties, as well as her jugs.

The only other thing worth mentioning was a girl who hiked up her skirt and appeared to open a beer bottle with her crotch. I bet she gets all the fellas with that move…You can bet I’ll be practicing that trick at home.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Circus Contraption-Fremont 5/23/08



Where to begin…where to begin... After taking a quick cat nap that wasn’t so quick, resulting in me rushing to get ready, not being able to find my: mini top hat, satin gloves, garter belt for my Cuban heels, thus switching to thigh-high fishnet stockings but not finding the set-“why the FUCK can I not find my stockings?!”…I managed to don my pencil skirt, best corset, leopard heels and stripy top, all in an effort to fit into the ‘Circus’ scene without dressing like a wretched clown-I HATE clowns. After some excellent Mexican from El Camino and some spirits; we b-lined it to the show, managing to make an asshole late entrance just as they were underway.
(sea lion)

We were greeted to a big top setting, but not the cheesy Ringling Bros of happiness we knew as a child. I’m talking borderline creepy, with a carnival feel and an underlying touch of evil. A big ring in the center for the performers, a smaller/higher ring to one side for the ‘Master’, a medium ring to the other for the live band and various ropes hanging from the ceiling…wicked, I love aerialists.

The approximate 2 hour show starts off with a musical precession and song. Within that time range you’ll see the following: a woman performing on a ‘horse’, a mermaid, a sea lion and it’s trainer, a monkey humping a doll, some women flinging about from the ceiling, a karate bunny, sword swallowing, pink poodles, an amazing song done by bottles/jugs, giant cockroaches and unfortunately a brief appearance by a clown. I honestly don’t want to go to specific into details; frankly my words would do no justice and rob this show of its splendor.
(why yes, my bed of nails IS comfortable)

I will mention this, its like an LSD trip; of which I can only assume since I only sort of did it once in high school, which really doesn’t count because someone told me to put this piece of paper on my tongue and once I found out what it was, I spit it on the wall; but I could’ve felt something, I SWEAR my stuffed animal’s shadows were dancing around my head!…it probably wasn’t real anyway, teenagers are so gullible…at any rate, the show was a feast for the eyes and I’m sure if someone were so inclined to do LSD beforehand, they’d probably be in for a great ride.
(monkey see, monkey do)

They do however sell booze at this show, which I did not partake in; nope, I was a goody-two-shoes-godly-angel-of-sobriety! (Only because I was still hung-over from guy’s night the previous night). There were several drunken fuck wads being a bit, well…fucking stupid, but the performers handle them well and in all honesty, the show feeds off the audience and their rowdy, rude behavior and tom foolery. What fun would a show be if it was a wholesome Walton experience? Vive La Raunchy!!
(multi talented band)

This troupe stays true to form with every detail. From the well tailored 20’s era styled costumes, to a band best described by them as “an off-kilter carousel accompanied by Halloween music gone slightly wrong”, to the actual performances. It was all very campy and vaudeville in style and humor. My cheeks hurt from laughing so much and before you knew it, the show was over and the time flew. It’s well worth the money to see the amazing raw talent of all the performers.
(Pink Poodles)

FYI…I think I might take some aerial lessons from one of the ladies and try to get her bod. I mean, achieve her body, not literally GET her body-perverts

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Dance for me baby

“hi”
I found the best strip song ever…(LL Cool J’s ‘Going back to Cali’)
thanks”
(I was laughing from this random IM outburst, but he usually makes me laugh out loud at my desk and OMFG did I just tinkle?!)

So today I was having a discussion with this gentleman about songs at which to strip to or in my suggestion…sex or just dance for your man to. We went back and forth a little bit with suggestions, some good, some bad, some he said didn’t count because anything by Portishead, Massive Attack, Hooverphonic and Sneaker Pimps, could be danced to. Which, I agree; they are some of my all time favs for this very activity...But none the less, I am still putting them on my personal list of sexy songs. I had actually thought about what my mix would be previously due to hearing about a Loveage CD(previous post); that sadly, is no longer in print… So without further a due…

“Mel’s sexy mix that you can get buck ass naked for your man to”

(Impress your man or lady, with this move![*tattoos not included. Please proceed with caution as this may cause injury to yourself or others. Not to mention she's probably more flexy than you and those heels are KILLER, aren't they?! Thank you])
1. Lullaby – The Cure (there’s actually a great remix out there)
2. Since I’ve been Lovin You – Led Zeppelin
3. 2 Wicky - Hooverphonic (yep, I put it down anyway-suck it buddy*points at ass*)
4. URA Fever – The Kills
5. In Your Car – Tricky
6. Glory Box – Portishead (yep, again, suck it. And while you're at it, get the new album-fabulous)
7. She’s So Heavy – The Beatles
8. Sex, Love and Money – Mos Def (this is a good one)
9. #1 Crush – Garbage
10. I Put a Spell on You – Marilyn Manson (his version is hard core rockin for maximum hair flinging and lap dance grinding)
11. Who Needs the Sunshine – The Heavy
12. Angel - Massive Attack
13. Piggy – NIN (cause you can’t have naughty clothes removal without this classic)

Honorable mentions:
1. Brain – N.E.R.D
2. I Can’t Stand It – The Cramps (good for a classic Burlesque shimmy)
3. Ungodly Fruit – Wax Taylor
4. Que Pasa Contigo – Gorillaz (if you’re feeling a little pico de gallo)

I’m sure there are tons of songs I’m forgetting and frankly I have some weird taste when it comes to songs I could take my knickers off too. So because of that I’ve left out tons for fear of rambling and sideways looks; for example: Reverend Horton Heat has a handful of good songs for sexy; lord knows I’ve seen one of my favorite rockabilly strippers dance to “Eat Meat”. I’ve left out Radiohead, which I know has so many good songs, but to me, they’re more of a background ‘mood music’ when you’re about to get busy and all up in your mate’s grill.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Gossip 9/24/07 Bank of America Arena, WA

(picture courtesy of: Vern on Flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/mic_n_2_sugars/)
So I’m on the chillin in the GA section of the hall, waiting for the show to start, when this mousey voiced healthy bundle of energy abound makes her way to the stage. Pardon me doll because I’m sure you’re a peach, but alas this mass of woman moved with spunk about the stage; honestly makes me reminisce of that bonny lass Ricky Lake circa Hairspray(the original Waters, not the travesty of a remake, even if Walken is in it).

I had no idea the Gossip was playing the show with LCD and Arcade Fire; Surprise #1. Having not seen them before, I didn’t realize who they were until Beth starts wailing. Surprise #2; she’s not black, which was a previous assumption with a voice like that. No matter how much she moved, her voice was strong like bull, and her vibrato silky. What’s the recipe for Beth Ditto?

2 tablespoon of shimmying this way and that
A dash of some leg kicks,
20 or so sweaty hair tosses
1 short skirt
1 falling top to reveal a heaving massive bosom
1 cup full of a voice that makes the sound monitors spike through the roof
(add hot pink leggings for added flair)

She was the show, during their set. The seemly full acceptance of her robust figure makes me wanna baste myself in butta, roll around in cinnamon, sugar and wrap up in soft crepe dough, then deep fry myself until I’m a delicate crispy treat of lard heaven, possibly topped in a sugar goop of raspberry and whip cream.
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