Amateur burlesque? Why not-there's nothing else on

(trust me, it didn't look like this)

I love me some burlesque…

The roommate and I traveled to a local bar for an open tease night of amateur burlesque. I was excited, briefly, but that died…also, briefly. Being that this was on a weeknight and as everyone knows, I’m an old lady who enjoys her sleep; thus said, I’m usually pretty sleepy by 10pm. Why am I telling you this? Um…uh, because some of these girls were so fucking boring they were driving me to pass out in a puddle of drool before 10pm and my drinks, strong as they may be, were NOT saving the day.

We needed more action, more heat, more shimmy, more…more fucking pasted titties damn it. Stop making me yawn with your stiff movements and poor tease skills ladies!! Although, much props must go out, lets face it, you didn’t see my tattooed ass up on that stage…at least not yet

All was looking bleak, until a man; yes a man and a large one at that did tease to Minnie the Moocher, dressed in a suit. In the end, he had balls, but it would’ve been better if he wore pasties, because frankly, he had some good sized melons. So it’s now approaching 11pm and we’re walking towards the door, when we see a rather healthy gal take the stage to Bjork’s “it’s so quiet”. We had pretty much lost all hope of any good entertainment by this point, until this robust young lady started shimming her big ass with gusto. Yes, as I mentioned, large or more politically correct: “Plus Sized”; wrapped in what I can assume, about 3-4 solid yards of fringe…She stopped us in our tracks; she had more heart, energy and character than rest of the acts we’d seen thus far. And yes, she teased and showed us her butterfly pasties and my lord, they were FUCKING HUGE! The pasties, as well as her jugs.

The only other thing worth mentioning was a girl who hiked up her skirt and appeared to open a beer bottle with her crotch. I bet she gets all the fellas with that move…You can bet I’ll be practicing that trick at home.

You are the griddle, I am the meat

Seriously Anna, thank you for the Lovage CD...it's STILL in my car, 3 days later...on loop with the windows down and blasting.

If anyone can get their hands on "Songs to make love to your old lady to", I highly suggest it. It is aptly titled and an awesome orgasmic force to be reckoned with!

Now if I could just find someone to play it for with a couple of glasses of wine and some candles.
(que Loveage porn music)

Unnnnn, oooooohhhh, ahhhhhh!!!

Dance for me baby

“hi”
I found the best strip song ever…(LL Cool J’s ‘Going back to Cali’)
thanks”
(I was laughing from this random IM outburst, but he usually makes me laugh out loud at my desk and OMFG did I just tinkle?!)

So today I was having a discussion with this gentleman about songs at which to strip to or in my suggestion…sex or just dance for your man to. We went back and forth a little bit with suggestions, some good, some bad, some he said didn’t count because anything by Portishead, Massive Attack, Hooverphonic and Sneaker Pimps, could be danced to. Which, I agree; they are some of my all time favs for this very activity...But none the less, I am still putting them on my personal list of sexy songs. I had actually thought about what my mix would be previously due to hearing about a Loveage CD(previous post); that sadly, is no longer in print… So without further a due…

“Mel’s sexy mix that you can get buck ass naked for your man to”

(Impress your man or lady, with this move![*tattoos not included. Please proceed with caution as this may cause injury to yourself or others. Not to mention she's probably more flexy than you and those heels are KILLER, aren't they?! Thank you])
1. Lullaby – The Cure (there’s actually a great remix out there)
2. Since I’ve been Lovin You – Led Zeppelin
3. 2 Wicky - Hooverphonic (yep, I put it down anyway-suck it buddy*points at ass*)
4. URA Fever – The Kills
5. In Your Car – Tricky
6. Glory Box – Portishead (yep, again, suck it. And while you're at it, get the new album-fabulous)
7. She’s So Heavy – The Beatles
8. Sex, Love and Money – Mos Def (this is a good one)
9. #1 Crush – Garbage
10. I Put a Spell on You – Marilyn Manson (his version is hard core rockin for maximum hair flinging and lap dance grinding)
11. Who Needs the Sunshine – The Heavy
12. Angel - Massive Attack
13. Piggy – NIN (cause you can’t have naughty clothes removal without this classic)

Honorable mentions:
1. Brain – N.E.R.D
2. I Can’t Stand It – The Cramps (good for a classic Burlesque shimmy)
3. Ungodly Fruit – Wax Taylor
4. Que Pasa Contigo – Gorillaz (if you’re feeling a little pico de gallo)

I’m sure there are tons of songs I’m forgetting and frankly I have some weird taste when it comes to songs I could take my knickers off too. So because of that I’ve left out tons for fear of rambling and sideways looks; for example: Reverend Horton Heat has a handful of good songs for sexy; lord knows I’ve seen one of my favorite rockabilly strippers dance to “Eat Meat”. I’ve left out Radiohead, which I know has so many good songs, but to me, they’re more of a background ‘mood music’ when you’re about to get busy and all up in your mate’s grill.

Future Album Purchase

Good Morning!!

Nothing like a little naughty naugthy to get the day going
"Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By"

a compilation album from 01', with involvement from Mike Patton of the Faith No More fame

This Particular song lyrics brought to you by: Stoker Ace. I'm particularly fond of the part in italics, because being neat is always important, especially when you have OCD. OH, and beware when that pussy is in heat! pesky things...

"monsieur Dan
can i come with you
as you both look awfully kind
sadly he and me are through
let me tell you what i've got in mind
i'll sing to you my mewing charm
looks like you both could use a pet
and purr my purr all night long
i think a pussy's your best bet

stroke that shiny coat
stroking is the antidote
stroke that, it's a start
only for the wild at heart
stroke that shiny coat
stroking is the antidote
stroke that shiny coat
stroking's what it's all about

my tail alone could tell you tales
it's got a life all of its own
watch it move just like a sail
sail you to the twilight zone
i love to lap a spot cream
and i assure you that i'm neat
but you never know what you can expect
when the pussy is in heat

(Chorus)

i like to watch, if you don't mind
every sphinx knows how to pass the time
your little love nest suits me well
let me show you how to cast a spell

(Chorus)"