Friday, June 20, 2008
Amateur burlesque? Why not-there's nothing else on
(trust me, it didn't look like this)
I love me some burlesque…
The roommate and I traveled to a local bar for an open tease night of amateur burlesque. I was excited, briefly, but that died…also, briefly. Being that this was on a weeknight and as everyone knows, I’m an old lady who enjoys her sleep; thus said, I’m usually pretty sleepy by 10pm. Why am I telling you this? Um…uh, because some of these girls were so fucking boring they were driving me to pass out in a puddle of drool before 10pm and my drinks, strong as they may be, were NOT saving the day.
We needed more action, more heat, more shimmy, more…more fucking pasted titties damn it. Stop making me yawn with your stiff movements and poor tease skills ladies!! Although, much props must go out, lets face it, you didn’t see my tattooed ass up on that stage…at least not yet
All was looking bleak, until a man; yes a man and a large one at that did tease to Minnie the Moocher, dressed in a suit. In the end, he had balls, but it would’ve been better if he wore pasties, because frankly, he had some good sized melons. So it’s now approaching 11pm and we’re walking towards the door, when we see a rather healthy gal take the stage to Bjork’s “it’s so quiet”. We had pretty much lost all hope of any good entertainment by this point, until this robust young lady started shimming her big ass with gusto. Yes, as I mentioned, large or more politically correct: “Plus Sized”; wrapped in what I can assume, about 3-4 solid yards of fringe…She stopped us in our tracks; she had more heart, energy and character than rest of the acts we’d seen thus far. And yes, she teased and showed us her butterfly pasties and my lord, they were FUCKING HUGE! The pasties, as well as her jugs.
The only other thing worth mentioning was a girl who hiked up her skirt and appeared to open a beer bottle with her crotch. I bet she gets all the fellas with that move…You can bet I’ll be practicing that trick at home.