I frequently ramble like a raving lunatic inside my head but getting me to sit down and make sense of these rambles on paper is something of a different monster. I often come up with my most in depth insights in the car, drifting off to sleep or other inopportune places that don't allow for me to transcribe them. I get distracted easily and then my best thought golden nuggets of wisdom that even Ghandi would be proud of, are flushed down to mediocrity. I've thought about using the voice recorder on my iPhone, but frankly the sound of my own voice is worse than Sarah Palin's values.(granted, I used said iPhone for my presentation for school; it's tits-like hand tossed warm ooey gooey slice of pizza at two am to soak up your functioning alcoholism)
As I sit here and map out the game plan for 2010, I've been reflecting on the past malay of activities of 2009...
The new year started with a shadow of my grandfather's death in December of 08 and some healing after an old relationship. Nevertheless, I had hopes for a new year of accomplishments, taking my heart into my own hands and obtaining a love beyond my expectations. Also to just fucking live without regrets; roll with the punches; learn; stop being scared.
One day as I sat at the desk of my droll job, I decided enough was enough. Why waste my days falling asleep at my desk, counting the minutes and my splits ends, until my favorite chat buddy hopped online to help me past the day. Fuck this shit, I'm going to do something with myself. Thus, after 14 years, I decided to finally go to college. The decision was made towards the beginning of the year and after that, it was a landslide of speeding proportion and I started in the summer. Along with that decision came the fact that I would be leaving my beloved Seattle for a new adventure of San Francisco; another city I adore.
Unfortunately in April, I received a phone call while I sat in my car in a grocery store parking lot. Unsettling news delivered from my brother as I discovered my uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. My body let loose and I balled. You think about all things with an ending when faced with death, even if not your own. The fact that, yes, life is far too fucking short and 'what the hell have I been wasting my life on?'. I decided to vacate the Emerald Isle much sooner than anticipated. I made it back to my hometown in the beginning of June to a once burly looking dude, who had now become a delicate man who exclaimed "I'm gonna beat this shit". He passed a few weeks later... luckily I had those precious few weeks with him. Steve was a good man, a gnarly looking biker dude, with a long ponytail as well as beard entangled with greys but true to his heart in protecting his kin...My mother lost one of her good friends in her brother that day.
I only planned on being south for a few months but unfortunately funding for school was scarce and my presence was apparently an aid in my mother's sanity as she begun to take care of her third family member to their death...her mother. knowing that my mother has gone from caring for her aunt after a stroke, her father, her brother-to death and now her mother...its not to hard to see why I would hang around more. Granted, the washing of dishes, household chores and sometimes yard work doesn't seem like much but I do what I can.
You may think to yourself "this could be a fun situation to fuck around with someone who has Alzheimer's". Like: "hey gran, over there. No not me, no, the other me. remember?" She however, is not a fun and wacky victim of the mind loss...she's a viper. Nevertheless, you try to deal, cope, dig deep for the patience to not bitch slap a frail old woman who accuses you of all the missing and wrong doings things around her.
some excerpts:
Imagine if you will a shrunken 80 year old woman, cane in one hand, two fingers lifted in a gun gesture with the other, telling you "you can wipe with your own fingers for all i care!"; in response to the usage of the toilet paper.
(father and I drew this in our frustrations. Yes, I'm sure we'll burn in Hell...if Hell existed)
or
"does all she do is wash the dishes and put them in the rack? that's it?!". Why no gran, I also fart platinum unicorn dust on them, which magically makes all your food taste better.
Please excuse the bald spot on my head. While you're at it, ignore the wad of my hair in my fist too. After the anger subsides, all I can do is laugh it off and try to make the best. Bottom line, losing your mind has got to be a frustrating and extremely scary situation to deal with. Sad.
As for me, I continue with my head down and power forward. It would seem this vagabond life is taking its toll on my back...the couch and floor surfing and the stress of being around an unhappy family can put one's mindset into a dark place; dour; moody. Seattle calls to me as does San Francisco...I love them both. Southern California is a bad break up gone awry; I need to flee again...but I must be patient...must; my time is nearing with the turn of the new day/year/decade. Fuck this struggling.
However, I did indeed find an amazing person who stole my heart...through ups and downs; fights and flights; he's been an amazing presence and ear to my plight. I am happy to finally be in school. So it wasn't a total negative year...it just had some MAJOR speed bumps.
So this year I'm not doing resolutions because I know what needs to be done: school, move, get my own space again to freely walk around nude eating some Hagan Daas with a beer chaser...and a bed, sweet glorious naked Matthew Goode-give me a bed again...I'm going to focus on what I want to do: travel more, do more art and kiss the man of my heart's desire
To my circumstances and mindset, I dedicate Celebration's "Holiday"...it's kind of speaking my words in a song...
"These days are dark.
I lack the spark, to shine, to find my mind baby,
and I'm too sharp, to play the part for you.
For you... where do all my rubies shine?
I paid the devil to lose my mind.
And these days, these days are black as coal.
I imagine my lost soul...
away on some paid holiday.
Ahh, it's ok if it's not far away, away
Babe, what happens to us now?
I lost my will to shout, to dig my body out.
For this loss, Oh lord i paid the cost...
and for this pain, my gentle soul remains away on some paid holiday.
Ahh, it's ok if it's not far away, away.
Time beats so slow... these days are dark.
And I'm too sharp to play the part for you...
for you... where do all my rubies shine?
I paid the devil to lose my mind.
And these days are black as coal.
I imagine my lost soul away on some paid holiday.
Ahh, it's ok if it's not far away, away.
I know there is one way, to bring it on down now.
Here we are.
No matter where we start, I'll always be apart from my unbroken heart,
and so you keep me close, what matters to you most is that I'll stay.
Bring it on down now.
Where do all my rubies shine?"
